How Do You Open Your Relationship to Sexual Possibility?

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In my work coaching men surrounding their sexuality I often hear, “I wish my partner were open to trying X.”

X can be just about anything, from dominance/submission to Tantra and Sacred Sexuality, from increased frequency of oral pleasure to threesomes or other group experiences.

In these cases, the man often tells himself the story that his partner (or women in general) would never want to try the thing that he’s wanted to try for so long. Either he has had the experience of his partner being closed to the idea in the past, so he stopped talking about it, or he never even broached the topic to begin with.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: Most women want these things JUST as much as you do.

So what is the difference between those couples who have a wide variety of sexual expressions in their bedrooms and those who don’t?

It often comes down to the man’s own ability to feel comfortable expressing his desires and owning them without fear, guilt, or shame. This ability is also the difference between creepy and intriguing. You no longer appear needy or sneaky. Primarily because, when you reach that stage, you aren’t.

When you say, “Hey, I really want to have a threesome with you,” and deep down you fear that she’s not going to want it, or feel shame about desiring something that’s socially taboo, or guilty that you’re talking about something your partner has already said “no” to, you are creating the conditions for her to feel unsafe. Why? You don’t fully believe in the fundamental goodness of your own sexual desire.

If you aren’t there yet, don’t worry. You can get there. You must be willing to do your own work on it, however, apart from her.

The fastest way to owning your own sexual expression and desire is to have a healthy sexual relationship with yourself. For men, however, having a solid self-pleasuring practice is shockingly uncommon. The abundance of internet pornography, which operates from a shame, fear, and a guilt-based perspective often creates the belief within men that:

1) Men need women to activate their own turn-on;

2) Women must be tricked or coaxed into more outside-of-the-box sexual encounters.

Both of these things are false. The biggest mistake that many men make is believing that the possibility of living a sexual fantasy comes from her initial willingness to engage in it. False. Her willingness to engage with it more commonly comes from the authentic expression of your own embodied sexual power.

If you want to begin to find out what your authentic sexuality looks like, you’re going to have to put down the fantasies of past experiences and the compulsive excitement that comes from observing of the experiences of others for a moment and get present with your own body. I guide men in these practices, which we call “Erotic Self-Exploration.”

Slow down. Put on some music. Touch yourself all over your body. Get connected with what turns you on, what types of touch stimulate you, what relaxes you, how you would give yourself a striptease in front of a mirror. Growl, move, emote. When you discover what turns you on without a woman present, imagine how much more clearly you will be able to communicate it when a woman IS present. Most women are capable of this, in my experience. Few men are.

When you reconnect with your own body, you can reclaim a sense of innocence surrounding your own sex, your own desires. You’re not hurting anyone. No one is getting triggered by your most intimate and carnal of expressions.

The key to having what you desire sexually in a relationship is that you must KNOW that your own desires for these things are good and that they can be engaged with in a way that will enhance your relationship because, in the privacy of your own bedroom, you trust yourself.

If you can do this, you’re going to be one of the few men (if not the only man) she has met who can approach her with your desires with confidence.

And the sexiest thing in the world to a woman is a man’s confidence. If your confidence is sourced from bravado about how many women you’ve slept with or the powerful experiences you’ve given to other women, I can guarantee you that your woman is going to feel it and she’s not going extend to you the fullest depths of her trust.

When a man’s confidence is sourced from within, from his own body, everything changes. You will feel it, and so will she. An entirely new world of sexual possibility will open up to you both.
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